On the same philosophical parenting boat

‘It was very interesting realising we are all on the same boat as parents, and there is always a way to deal with problems.’
Parent at Moorlands Primary School

I opened the door to the unknown and welcomed a chance group of parents into the school hall who had decided to take up the opportunity to come and speak, listen and think together. Their children attended the same school, but they did not know each other. Yet, within the space of the 90 minutes session a new parent community had formed and one woman reflected, ‘I have immediately felt like I’m not alone with my thoughts.’

Parenting is difficult. Particularly parenting in isolation.

I introduced myself firstly as a parent – and we went from there.

We began by nurturing and building our parent community and I used my experience of facilitating philosophical enquiry to sensitively listen, question and connect parents’ thoughts – however, I was unapologetically honest about the fact that we were engaging in philosophical activity.

Practical philosophy enabled us to use the philosophical method of thinking with care, collaboration, criticality and creativity to contemplate what was important and relevant to them. Social media, anxiety and equality were issues they identified to think about more deeply. Before we were going to delve deeper though, I asked a simple question: ‘When did you last have a good conversation?’ Some parents acknowledged that they simply couldn’t remember as it had been so long. Yet, all could articulate that good conversation was about: connecting and reconnecting, speaking openly and honestly, and making a space (literally and figuratively) for sharing different perspectives. It was clear that these parents wanted to have a good conversation now – and with their children.

We discussed how opportunities to open up conversations with our children about BIG ideas such as fairness and control can present themselves on the walk home from school or when doing something as simple as playing a game together; indeed, there have been a good few conversations with my daughter over the years when playing another game of Snakes and Ladders. Using a game as a metaphor for life might feel on the face of it beyond a 6-year-old, but sometimes things in life do go our way – and sometimes they don’t. Is it fair if we change the rules? Is it fair if we change the rules and only one person knows? All questions I have discussed with my daughter and have helped us understand each other’s perspective better, when deciding whether this game is still fun for both of us when she keeps changing the rules!

Books also provide a huge opportunity to talk about important stuff with our children and I took a trolley load with me! I asked the parents to choose a book from the selection laid out on the hall floor that they had a connection to. One choose The Girls by Lauren Ace and when asked why, she explained that she is very conscious of how she is defining her relationship with her daughters at the moment. Another parent selected You Choose by Nick Sharratt and Pippa Goodhart as their son finds it difficult to make decisions- and parents are also faced with many decisions. The front covers of these books were connecting and compelling for these parents as they highlighted something that was playing on their mind and needed further exploration. Lipman, the co-founder of Philosophy for Children, talks about in the 1990s documentary Socrates for Six Year Olds the fact that philosophy is like a quest and ‘there is something that you’re looking for’ – it seemed that these parents were looking for a place to open up, talk and think about what is important to them at this moment in time.

We now opened a book and read together Wild by Emily Hughes, that I had used on the SAPERE Level 1 course with the teachers at this school earlier in the year. This book enabled us to consider the statement ‘Children are wild’ and raised questions around conformity, relationships and boundaries. It was really interesting to share the philosophical questions that the teachers of their children had posed about the same text: Should children be allowed to make their own choices? Who decides right and wrong? These questions naturally cause us to reflect on our relationships with our children as parents (and as teachers), with the child at the centre. A picture book isn’t just for children.

Questions I used to facilitate the parents’ thinking, such as ‘What do you think? and ‘Why do you think that? would also be useful with their own children when sharing a book. As you uncover a book’s themes with a child and ask them to tell you more about what interests them, it can help us learn so much about what is important to our children and what is on their minds. The book can become a vehicle for revelation – for example their worries about friendship. There are many books about friendship for young children but have we asked them to think a bit more with us about their friendships when reading a book at bed-time? Do we need a best friend? Can adults have friendship issues as well as children? This parent community agreed that these moments to talk more about concepts that are age appropriate and of interest to our children are such valuable currency to a parent. Lipman’s insight can also be reassuring that when trying out philosophical conversations with our children: ‘it doesn’t mean you go straight… [you] will tack back and forth like a boat going into the wind…but on the whole [you] go forward.’ Forward movement in understanding what our children are thinking, even a little, can feel miraculous amongst the ups and downs of day-to-day parenting.

We all ‘do’ philosophy because we are all living and navigating a life where we are trying to understand ourselves and our relationships better. I truly hope that this metaphorical boat that this group of parents (myself included) have now boarded, will continue to go forwards and enrich us all on our parenting journey. I also hope that when asked when they last had a good conversation, they will know and remember because it won’t have been that long ago.