Parents thinking together

‘What do you like and dislike about social media?’ was the opening question at a P4C session for parents, after getting ourselves a hot drink and a seat at the table. There was no physical table but there was an opportunity to be heard, listened to, and to think about a thorny problem together – a problem that these parents are very worried about. Parents shared examples of how they use social media to relax, to feel connected, and they also admitted it was a tool to find out what other people are up to! Dislikes included the negativity, that has become synonymous with social media, the time it wastes and ‘doom scrolling’.

“I have reflected that it is important to have regular conversations with our children about social media and how to use it.”
Parent comment

Now we were ready for a more contestable philosophical statement that would challenge their thinking:  Our online selves are different to our in real-life selves. I invited them to choose to stand on the agree or disagree side and talk to someone near them; from there the conversation became exploratory and rich. Most disagreed with the statement and mentioned that they use social media as a record, a way of logging memories and photographs and that they choose what to make public or private. Yet, another parent stated that you do feel more detached on social media than in real-life and decisions about what to make private can be problematic. I overlayed the idea of decisions and a younger parent talked about filtering out their best moments to share with friends and family. The idea of age entered the space and parents acknowledged they tussled with these decisions when using social media so how could an 8-year-old be expected to. Added to that, the digital decisions made now can follow you and today’s reckless decision when posting a thoughtless comment or image, can have detrimental effects when you later apply for a job.

This small object – a phone – was being handed to children without thinking through what big responsibility came with it. A responsibility not to just look after it but how to use it – and how we can go about guiding and facilitating the ‘how’ rather than only telling them the rules.

Moving on to a theoretical scenario we explored this idea of permanence further.

This was followed up by a quick question: Would people interact online in the same way if it became a digital tattoo? Our discussion deepened and allowed us to refine thinking linked to ideas of public, private and secret and how placing a child at the centre by handing over a phone is questionable. Providing the phone is the simple and instant part; the on-going conversations that come before and during that act are the long-haul ‘parenting’ bit.

My role wasn’t to give the parents answers but to create space for thoughtful discussion – and we need to do the same for our children. When I suggested to a parent to consider whose phone it was once they have given it to their child, they had a realisation: the phone still belonged to the parent even if they had given it to their child and they spontaneously announced this was a moment of change in their thinking. Another parent spoke out that they now appreciate there is a difference between the age a child should have a phone to keep in touch with them and the age a child has access to social media.

Other concerns and worries connected to social media for this group of parents were about overstimulation, what we want versus what we need, over-sharing and trust. The parent whose concerns about who their child might end up talking to online was visibly emotional; she reflected at the end of the session that there is a ‘balance [between] trusting my child versus what we see and check’. The parent/child relationship needs to include trust, and conversations about trust lead us to consider who we can trust, should trust and could trust.

It is important: “To open up discussion more at home and seek [my child’s] thoughts and opinions.”
Parent reflection

Let’s decide to talk more about social media with other parents so we don’t make assumptions about what we should and shouldn’t do; we don’t have to follow the fictional crowd and like it.

It is ok to think for ourselves. It is ok to think through challenging problems together.

The ink is not dry on people’s relationship with social-media and there are no simple answers, so the conversations need to keep happening.

Let’s make sure parents are given the space and time to have them.