Thirty years of P4C: #9 — Problem solving and self-understanding — Ez’s story

Ez was in Kate Halliwell’s P4C After-School Club at DECSY (Development Education Centre South Yorkshire) for two years from the age of 11. (That was a couple of years ago. Their photo and the conversation below are published with parental consent.)

These are edited extracts from a recorded conversation that Kate and Ez had over a cuppa. They were looking back on Ez’s time doing P4C, the effect it had on them at the time, and continues to have today.

“I went from not having very high expectations – sorry – and it turned into something that changed the way I thought about the world. It made me feel more positive about the negative things in my life. From coming to a problem thinking: “This is the problem, I’m going to panic now”, it turned into a: “I’m able to solve these problems. I have the resources in my head…”

Reminded that they were in the P4C after-school club for two years, Ez responded: “It feels like I was there forever!”

Kate: “Oh dear.”

Ez: “In the best way! I started and it was already a thing that was happening every week and it was a nice routine. Mum said that it would be really good if I did some more things with my life and I was like, ok, I guess I’ll give this a go. It was off the back of a difficult year in Y6. My mental state had been in a really poor place. I’d missed Y6. I hadn’t done my SATs. That’s always the first question people ask, ‘Did you do your SATs then?’. No, I was in the middle of a massive crisis!

“I went from not having very high expectations – sorry – and it turned into something that changed the way I thought about the world. It made me feel more positive about the negative things in my life. From coming to a problem thinking: “This is the problem, I’m going to panic now”, it turned into a: “I’m able to solve these problems. I have the resources in my head…”. I’d think: “I would be able to deal with this if it was a philosophical question so I surely should be able to work through my problems as if they were philosophical”, and I feel like I still use that now.

“I was going to school, going home, hiding in my room and coming out for mealtimes. P4C made that not happen once a week. On a Tuesday, I’d go and it would break up the depression. In the group it also taught me to listen better. I have a short attention span, so if someone’s talking I sometimes zone out but, although I’m not in that group anymore, I am in other groups and around other people and I think it has helped me to actually hear what they’re saying. I do still have to remind myself this is the person I should be listening to. Even if it’s not consciously remembering P4C, there’s a small part of my brain that has become more trained now.

“I think I’m a lot better at giving myself time to consider things and not just jump into something and think: “Well, I haven’t solved it and that means we’re all doomed!” It’s about learning not to be scared of the What If’s because so often we’re told don’t listen to the What If’s, they won’t happen, but that doesn’t stop them from being there, and it’s about utilising them in a philosophical way to turn them into a productive What If.

“The problems started in Y4 because I was bullied a lot. I was weird, I was different, I didn’t fit in. Looking back, that was me trying and failing to mask my neurodivergent nature. You suppress your neurodivergence to “fit in”. It’s a thing that a lot of people view as a healthy coping mechanism but really masking is the most damaging thing I’ve ever done. It’s not only about trying to fit in but also hiding who you are. So many neurodivergent people are such good actors to the point where it looks like it’s the real us but it’s so damaging and in Y5 the mask started to slip.

“I realised that I was trans and that was like, oh my god, that’s another thing I have to keep hidden along with the bullying and the masking. The masking became so unbearable…

“In Y7, I’d been masking for so long that the mask fell off and I was scrabbling about trying to put it back on. In doing that, I wore myself out to the extent that nothing fitted anymore. In P4C, it was a way to find peace because I didn’t have to keep on pretending in every aspect of my life.

“Then, Covid happened. I was bringing things that shouldn’t be at home, home. Home was meant to be a place that wasn’t school, but then it was. The one thing I didn’t mind bringing home was P4C. I carried on doing P4C online and it was a way for me to regroup, regather, refocus again. I could relate it back to the things I needed help with but do it from a wider perspective; not just always focused on me but the other people in the group and all the people in the world and all the things that can be in space!

“[After Covid] I had a really tricky time… Later, I was diagnosed as autistic and came out as trans and non-binary and, even now, I’m floating around what terms I use. This awareness is what I’ve discovered through P4C, that not everything has to be perfect: it involves coming to terms with myself just as much as coming to terms with other people, and how they think.”